Dreading 2011...I am sorry.

It just turned 2011 here in South Africa. I know I am supposed to be celebrating and be happy and look forward. However, I am dreading 2011 and the pain it will bring for my mom, and for me. Tonight in this very personal moment I can only think of my mom in her frail care bed where she sleeps quietly - with her mind quiet after another day of confusion. Neither she nor I could know that this year would be so different when the fireworks go off in Cape Town. Last year, she was with me here at the house with my aunt and we spend a wonderful New Year's Eve together, and I gave them both a foot spa as we cheered into 2010. I wanted to share the moment only with them in a memorable way. This year, I wanted to be alone...and declined the invitations to the parties in our beautiful city.

I wish you all a good year my good friends and am not entirely sure I will hit this button and enter this ramble. Somehow it is profoundly part of my path at the moment. And I want to share it with you - life is very real and to deny one facet is to live without authenticity. So, I also think of others that are on similar paths of a very unsure future where their health hangs in the balance - like my cousin who has cancer. I also thank you for your support. Tomorrow when the sun rise, I shall ponder the good things of 2010 and lift my chin and think how all will work out some how.

And maybe I will just go and walk along the beach of Kommetjie, and sit on the rocks and count my blessings. The life-long friends and confidants, the caring family, the loyal dogs, the supporting online friends, the hard-working team, the compassionate volunteers, the gracious kindness and patience, the safe home, the inspiring work and love... lots of it - undeserved and unconditional. And then 2011 will be quite OK and it will not be necessary to sound so dreary. But thanks for allowing me this moment. I am sorry. Gelukkige Nuwe Jaar Mamma. Alles gaan verby.